On the heels of reading a blog post written by the lovely Fuller Figure Fuller Bust a day or so ago I wanted to write a similar one … but different.
We all have our own experiences as she mentioned. We can all throw around what we did, why we did it and how wonderful/horrendous it was can’t we? But we definitely are not the same people so comparing (like pretty much everything we are constantly comparing) really is useless. We all have to choose what choice is best for us. And you can define ‘best’ how you see fit … for me, BEST is the choice that I WANT without any outside interference.
Since a young teenager I knew I didn’t want kids. I often like to refer back to my dad and stepbitch having a kid when I was around 14 and how it was the best birth control ever when asked about WHY they aren’t for me. Still, even after explaining it for nearly 20 fucking years, I get anxiety about it when asked. For some reason y’all act like someone not wanting kids is like a child murderer or something. I don’t get it … it makes me so fuckin’ anxious that (if you know me – this is very common) I say the dumbest shit when approached. My anxiety makes me say/do very awkward things when I feel backed into a corner. However that’s not 100% the ‘reason’ for me not wanting kids.
I’m super lucky in the fact that Pete doesn’t want kids either. I honestly never talked super seriously with anyone I’d been in relationships with prior because I just didn’t see it in the cards FOR ME. Fuck really what they wanted I guess? I don’t know. It wasn’t a reality AT ALL for me, maybe I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I wrote a post back in August about having Endometrial/Uterine Cancer (click here) so ‘having kids’ isn’t even an option for me. And the only reason I reference that is because you would NOT BELIEVE how many guys can’t fuck with you when you don’t even have the option of having kids. I never realized how many men felt the need to ‘carry on the family name’.
I’ll write you out a pro/con list here in a minute. But basically at the end of the day …
I’m We’re selfish. We don’t want to be forced to deal with whining/crying, attitudes/temper tantrums, financial distress, school/sports obligations, health (mental/physical) and so forth. And I get it … y’all will tell me it’s different when you have one, you’ll tell me it’s all worth it in the end, you’ll try to encourage that we’ll change our minds. Here’s the deal … it’s not going to happen. I’m nearly 40, pretty damn sure I KNOW what I at least DON’T WANT in this life and kids are one of the things. That doesn’t make me a devil worshipper (I don’t believe in a god or a devil for the record). It doesn’t make me some sort of child abuser or murderer wanna be. It doesn’t make me a bad person. It simply means it’s a choice that I’m grateful I can make.
I had internal hangups on it when I was a bit younger, I won’t lie. Like I said, I always knew I didn’t want kids but felt that I SHOULD want them. Does that make sense? I always wondered WHY I didn’t feel a strong desire to pursue what is considered the ‘normal American life’. Hell, I don’t even have desire to get married. Yes, I refer to Pete as my husband because we’re more married than any legally married couple I know AND we got soooo tired of ‘when is the date!’ after our engagement. So we’re definitely not traditionalists in ANY WAY. I think THIS is where my happiness came … like finding someone like you … like not JUST like you because we are a lot different as well but what I mean is adventuring through life with someone with the same mindset on major life events. Like a wedding (albeit huge or courthouse), papers (what are we fuckin’ animals?) and a bun in the oven is literal hell for us – why put yourself through something just because you THINK it’s what you’re ‘supposed to do’?!!? Just like everything else I fight for I had to look at this the same way. I couldn’t be worried about what you thought anymore …
No matter HOW MANY TIMES I tell you (insert whoever throws the rebuttals at me) you still don’t get it. You laugh it off. You mock us. Criticize us. But let me tell you … everyone I have ever encountered with kids are never fucking happy … ever. You bitch about them constantly, use them as excuses to flake on people, treat them like fucking robots/animals and most importantly, end up hating your partner. Like dafuq?!?! Na fam, I’m good. Not the life for me. I’m not kidding! It’s not a joke. I’m not trying to be cute and/or funny. It’s real fuckin’ life.
I want to be able to go to the beach WHENEVER I WANT without a miserable fucking day because of the 199 things I have to carry, yelling, sighing, aggravation, stress … all for a picture for Facebook? Because I’m there all the time, I SEE the reality behind your Facebook picture. I want to RELAX. I don’t want to have to sit on social media talking about all of the wine I NEED to drink because of … my kids? I want to be able to be able to buy shit without worrying that I’ll have some major expense for school or medical. I mean I hear all of this from you, parents. How you CAN’T do this or that because of your kids. Like why did you have them then? For something to bitch about? Because society told you you need to? Because you’re not ‘normal’ if you don’t have them at my age?
I’m told a lot that I’m ‘good with kids’. That I’d make a great mother. Truth is I’d make a horrible mother. I’d resent them. My mother resented having us. Still does. She should have never had kids (no shade). I get I’d not be here if she hadn’t (or maybe I would with a different mother/childhood/life – we don’t know shit really do we) but she’s a lot like her mother in that aspect and I’m just like them. The difference is … I chose to break the cycle. Like I think I’m the only one who gets them in that aspect.
So that list Kandi … where’s it at!? Here’s MY Pro/Con list for Kandi/Pete having kids:
*Not dying alone
*Arguing with partner constantly
As you can see, the cons (and I know that’s not all) FAR OUTWEIGH the pros. So WHY would I do something that obviously would make me so miserable? To be like you, who points the finger at me!? Because we all know misery loves company. I know there are always exceptions to the rule … like I know there are some people that it’s all rainbows and sunshine but let’s be honest, I’ve pretty much nailed most of the people you know.