I’ve been in this game for a LONG, LONG time y’all. Like to give you a little peek into how long the first computer I EVER touched was an Apple iie. I will never, ever forget being mesmerized by that beautiful brick! It was first grade (1984), Miss Grizelle was my teacher and we had COMPUTERS in class!! Before USB thumb drives, external hard drives … before CD/DVD’s and even those small, black hard (still called floppy) disks to store your information on there were these big ass ‘F L O P P Y disks‘. (Side note, I legit wrote floppy dick at least 10 times somehow. Go figure!) We had two games on those floppies … Oregon Trail and Jeopardy! Those games pioneered what you’re playing today! So it’s easy to say I’ve been around computers and the internet practically all of my life.
My first interaction online wasn’t really much different than today, approximately 25 years later. I was around 15 years old on either Compuserve or AOL chat and an older guy was interested in me. Now, back then there was no Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat … nothing like that to just have your shit hanging out. Nope. You COULD DCC a small, low resolution picture because you were on a 2400 baud modem, which you connected via your telephone line. And fuck, heaven forbid a phone call came through! Y’all don’t even know the pains of early day internet. Whenever I start to get pissed at my 45k speed internet I try and reflect and be grateful. Anyhow, he wasn’t interested in me because he saw 2038420384029834 ‘scantily’ photos of me on the internet as jealous bitches and aggressive, turned down horny men like to throw at us. He wasn’t interested in my intelligence or anything I really had to say. He was a sexual predator. Period. And my mom and stepdad were totally ok with me giving him my phone number and having him call me. I mean, I guess they either figured 1) I was a liar and he wasn’t who he was 2) They wanted ANY WAY they could get rid of me. Like maybe he’d come scoop me up and I’d never look back (that’s honestly all I wanted if I’m being 100%) 3) That it was just the harmless internet box. No one was real on the other end. No matter what the reasoning, here I am nearly 25 years later experiencing the same kind of shit … just in a different setting.
Make no mistake, I am in an amazing loving, happy relationship and am NOT looking for a way out like I was back then. Instead, I’ve found myself and just want to celebrate it in whatever way I CAN and I WANT. I don’t go posting my pictures on everyone’s feed. I don’t go onto others pages/feeds telling them how to live their life, I simply stick to MY SOCIAL MEDIA outlets and post what the fuck I want. Yet I’m constantly having to deal with lash out (via men and women) who are completely miserable in their lives trying to tell me how to live mine … even those who pretend to be on the same page. And here is what has brought me to this entry today.
I feel people. I can’t explain it but I do. Whether I’m a psychic (albeit I don’t believe in shit like that), REALLY intuitive or a fuckin’ genius I can pretty much feel emotion. Apparently (I have found this and continue to daily) it’s got a name, an empath. I’m also the catalyst amongst the crowd because for FAR TOO LONG I sat silent, cutting my body up, keeping things inside. I get gaslit so much that sometimes I start questioning my own sanity and I am now realizing that people do this to try and keep things secret. To try and make ME seem like the fucked up one when in reality they’re a shitty fuckin’ person trying to cover up their own douchebagness.
Earlier this year I befriended someone whom I had seen through an instagram feed. Albeit she is a goooood fake, like I mean one of the best (but sociopaths usually are because they believe their own bullshit) I saw through it. When you’ve been there, yanno fakin’ it ’til ya make it kinda thing, you can legit see through a person doing it. She got bullied a lot actually. I admired her fire, her passion and desire to do WHAT she wanted to do knowing she was going to get attacked daily for it … and at such a young age. I saw a lot of me in her, a lot of the younger me yet she was pushing through the things I just succumbed to and let destroy me for far too long. Long story short, she used me. For whatever reasons, I got used. I felt really stupid because I KNOW BETTER. Hell, I’ve been treated the way she treated me by people MUCH closer to me. But I wanted to believe in the better of people yanno? I wanted so hard to believe that it was my own demons … but not so much. She had used people before me and has continued since to propel her ‘career’/’hashtag’/’movement’ since. She lies, cheats and steals to make her life seem way more extravagant/desireable than it is. I don’t need to do anything, she’ll fuck herself over in the end. All people like that self destruct. I know, I did it too years ago. That’s why I haven’t really addressed it all that much. People are starting to see the real deal without me interfering. The only reason I bring this is up is because it is important to the story …
So I fell for it. I fell for all of her stories, all of her lies about how all of these people in this community had done her soooo wrong. Her excuse is that she’s loud and belligerent (like me) and that people don’t like that. It’s true, people don’t. We built what I thought was a ‘friendship’ over this same ostracized feeling. But she’s not like me, NOTHING like me. Maybe the girl I buried over 2 years ago but NOTHING like me now. I believed her so much that I’d fallen under a spell of hers. I’m really ashamed to even admit it, being as strong willed and as smart as I am, but it happened. I allowed her to dictate how I used my hashtags. Girl she gets MAD at anyone who doesn’t put hers FIRST. Like bitch people are at least using it but NOOOOOOO she guilts people into putting hers ‘first’ for algorithmic purposes. She would throw tantrums about who I’d follow that was on her shitlist. And I won’t lie, I got just as wrapped up in it. You’ll notice I talk about all of the ‘Mean Girls’ shit … she wanted to be Regina George when in reality she was that coach that was the rapist. She manipulated and used me to get anything and everything she could and when she was done (and realized I knew too much) she trashed my name. Soo paranoid she even goes off on her ‘staff’ (LOL) of IG reposters questioning my every move.
It’s NOOO secret that I canNOT deal with all of the fuckin’ novels these IG girls write under their pictures for ‘inspiration’. Not every single case is the same, I know. But, let’s be real, it’s all about the numbers. You know, those numbers get all up in your head. Remember, these are fat girls who have been bullied their entire lives that have a little confidence finally. That number is not only their proverbial meal ticket but their lifeline. I realized this when my husband had taken a photo of us and I posted it on my feed. It blew the fuck up and she was reeling about how many likes/follows I started to get. She was legit losing her shit because she didn’t post the picture and I did. My husband picked up on it quickly and pointed it out to me after she’d left and ignored me for weeks. He said that was the turning point in the trip.
There was a girl we mutually followed. I won’t lie and say I didn’t have some shitty, petty, jealous or whatever you want to call it shit to say. I’ve learned so many valuable lessons from that visit/friendship that I needed to learn. Things that made me reevaluate who I am and what I stand for. Some cold, hard facts that have slapped me in the face and have awakened me. But not without some guilt and rage attached to it.
The girl in question had never done anything to me, ever, but be my internet friend. She’d met her for dinner one night and I found it so odd that two hardcore ‘bopo babes’ who selfied all day, every day didn’t have one photo together. I questioned it and was told a bunch of shit about her. I was told how she didn’t want to take a picture with her. I was told how she’d shamed her eating habits to where she didn’t feel comfortable eating. She said so many horrible things that I allowed her opinion to change mine. I was bewildered by these accusations but played into her hand just like so many others that have come forward either publicly or privately in messages have. She played victim so well to the other girl, like sooo well. She villainized her to anyone and everyone who would listen BUT she had to try and be pc because she needed to get along with everyone in the community to sell herself, her movement. Everything she threw out about the other girl was her, self reflecting to be honest now that I look back. She even manipulated me into making videos about it through my channel so I COULD take the brunt of it instead of her, knowing that I would stand up for her because that’s what I do when I love someone. I can and have admitted that I was wrong, soooo soooo wrong.
After I was villainized as well I started putting the pieces together. I reached out to Lindsay to apologize. She actually still doesn’t even know everything that the self righteous, self serving bitch said/did because it doesn’t even matter. I apologized for participating in the fuckin’ chitter chatter gossip. I apologized for just disappearing and losing my shit about something that clearly was her defending a culture the other was legit making fun of. I mean when she was here she went in about how ‘all lives matter’ as do most racists. So Lindsay was 100% in her assumption that the black face was indeed black face, not art. I have since educated MYSELF on the ‘black lives matter‘ movement and changed my stance on it all as well. Like I said, I can admit when I’m a fuckbag.
I am fortunate enough that Lindsay accepted my apology and has been a great support for me. You know, it’s crazy what this world brings us when we need it. I had no plans of her ever really even being nice to me after the shit I’d been involved with. I wasn’t very nice to myself afterwards. But she was. She is. A little over a month ago she entered us into a contest by Jovanna, an amazing artist who showcases her work on IG. I urge you to check her out! Since we have not (yet) met this was a way for us to have a ‘picture’ together. JUST her entering ME out of ALL of the people who have been by her side this entire time was touching enough. Like I cried like a baby for an entire day over the compassion and love that I was experiencing from a complete stranger really. It’s not like we talk on the phone or video chat really ever. It’s not like I’ve been a constant support for her either considering all of the above. And she chose ME. I still don’t know why but I’m not going to question it! We won! We won the contest to have a photo drawn by this incredible artist.
Going through photos to pick was hard for me. I had to go through so many but all of the ones I wanted to use were ones that were taken while the other girl had been here. We had done a few shoots together that were never published due to the fallout. The photos were sooo good too y’all because I was genuinely happy then. Like for the first time I THOUGHT someone got me, like REALLY got me. I felt for the first time a friend had came from sooo far away to see me and it really showed through the pictures of how happy I was. I’d actually never been so comfortable in nearly no clothes in photos. And I’ve worked in the sex work industry most of my adult career. And I’m not taking those memories away from myself. I’m not taking that joy away just because someone else was using me. I was blindsided but it doesn’t take away the happiness I felt at the time … I just wish it was with someone else. And here I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY for it to be someone else. Someone she’d bashed and was so jealous of. Someone who she made a villain to not only me but so many others.
So guess what? I cut that bitch out and used the picture to remind myself how everything comes in full circle. I used the situation to empower me and teach me some really valuable lessons. I’ve been hit with an emotional rollercoaster of realities this year and not only with this, with much more serious shit that makes this stuff look like a walk in the park. And I needed that. I needed all of this bullshit this year to get it. To understand. To reflect. To change. Even change HOW I handle shit.
I woke up this morning to the final image. And it is everything I could hope for and more! I couldn’t have needed it at a better time in my life. Such an unlikely bond has been made actually BECAUSE this other girl villainized both of us. And such a painful, shitty memory has turned into something so wonderful that I’m not even mad it happened. I’m grateful because it has restored my faith in people. I don’t think Lindsay or Jovanna will ever understand the magnitude of what this has done for me. All I can do is say thank you a million times because I don’t even have the right words and/or actions to even completely understand myself what I’m feeling. I’m so grateful that Lindsay accepted my apology and forgave me. It helped me heal and forgive myself for being a part (albeit on the outside) of that fuckin’ Mean Girl gang that movement revolves around. I’m grateful for the girl that did her part in ostracizing me so that I didn’t fall for anything else. So I didn’t continue to spiral into a self righteous fuckbag like the rest of them. Just so much gratitude and love this morning!