I know … it doesn’t even make sense right? Like HOW can someone be healthy while fat!? I’m not gonna school you on that today because I’m definitely not here for that. If you’d like to educate yourself you can check out HAES. You’re welcome!
The reason I’m here today is quite the opposite. I’ve been fat since probably about third grade. That’s when I can remember ‘blowing up’ as people like to call it. I can honestly say I don’t ever remember being horrifically bullied at school for being fat. At home a totally different story which caused me to self doubt and BELIEVE that I wasn’t good enough to do shit BECAUSE I was fat. As I’ve discussed more than a few times my mom was my biggest bully. Her desire for perfection (and me being the fat kid) I think drove her crazy. Like – she’d cook dinner for her, my sister and my dad yet I’d be presented with a can of tuna (in spring water) and maybe a baked potato with “Ms Dash” or some shit on it. I still … to this day … will NEVER touch ANY seafood. Like it won’t happen, I’d fuckin’ die first! And y’all, I don’t think she was being mean, like I don’t think she did it out of malice or any ill intent. I really, really think she THOUGHT she was helping. And everything I ate from about that age on was judged, scrutinized and so was my health.
I was told over and over I was a hypochondriac until a doctor finally diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. The reason I even go into a few of these things is because I want you all to realize that YOUR HEALTH, WEIGHT and/or PHYSICAL APPEARANCE DO NOT DETERMINE YOUR VALUE AS A HUMAN FUCKING BEING. Like WHEN IN THE FUCK are we going to get this through our heads? Do you actually realize that things like restricting food, giving looks at fatties eating what in the actual fuck they want, whispering/giggling about someone’s appearance/lifestyle/life CHOICES, publicly shaming … it ALL causes mental health issues. And IF your mental health is jeopardized then there is NO WAY YOU CAN BE HEALTHY even IF you LOOK like it on the OUTSIDE!!! You CANNOT determine someone’s health based on appearance. C A N N O T!!!
So now that that’s over with … let’s get into the nitty gritty!
Being surrounded by this ‘bopo’ community has really caused a lot of internal turmoil with me. While there is a lot of good in it there is also just as much bad. I’ve talked a little about it and rant enough about it on snapchat that y’all should know the gist of it. I’ve touched on the aspect of being a ‘healthy fatty’ in the community a few times on my vlogs but honestly can’t remember which ones and don’t really feel like digging through 200 videos to find the few little gems. Maybe one day. Until then I just want to talk about healthy versus unhealthy fatties here today.
I’ve tried sooo hard to be a healthy fatty ever since I can remember. I’ve done everything I was told I needed to do or be seen doing to try and blend in, not be seen as a ‘typical fatty’ because I didn’t want to be lumped in with all of the lazy, cartooned oversized t shirts, leggings with my greasy hair tied up with a scrunchie kind of fatty. And yes, that’s what I thought of the typical fat girl. It’s what all of my friends thought about it because we’d laugh about it. I’d even say like things like “Yea, I’m TOTALLY not like the typical (see above) girl.”. I wouldn’t leave my house (and I mean to even go to the damn gas station, staying IN the car) without a wig, makeup, a push up bra and some cute little number. Like EVER. All because I NEVER wanted to be seen as a fatty that wasn’t TRYING to strive for a more glamourous ‘athletic’ and/or ‘put together’ lifestyle. And let me tell you – all of that worrying made shit worse. Like I WAS ALWAYS stressed out about the judgement. Hell, I wouldn’t even talk about my fibromyalgia until this year really openly because I was afraid of being labeled an unhealthy/lazy fatty or a fatty making excuses IN THE BOPO COMMUNITY! You know how I mentioned before that they have this self appointed ‘secret’ Facebook group? They legit sit and TALK BACK AND FORTH about the authenticity (ironic eh?) of anyone that MIGHT be up and coming in THEIR COMMUNITY because you know, they’re overlords and shit!! Do you know what this tells me!?!? Well, first these bitches are insecure as fuck. But secondly that EVEN WITHIN A COMMUNITY there are ‘standards’ for body love. I got treated like a fucking piece of trash because I was soooo sick I could barely function still trying to run like a workhorse for one of those bitches BECAUSE I’m not a healthy fatty. Hell, she PRETENDS to be vegan yet ate ALL THE MEAT/DAIRY while she was here at my house, while making excuses … all to LOOK more healthy on social media. Like look – I’m the LAST PERSON that gives a fuck what you eat. YOU’RE the one putting THESE STANDARDS on yourself. It made me go back to that place where I’d been the same fakey fatty trying to look like I was trying so hard to be healthy. I wasn’t going to the gym for me, I wasn’t eating ___ for me, I wasn’t LIVING for me … I needed to validate everyone that I WAS TRYING to be a healthy fatty! Of course we don’t realize these things as we’re in them but yanno all that hindsight bullshit. Totally off topic – You know how they say when you get older you’ll wish (insert whatever lesson you’ve finally learned) and they go on a preachy little rant about enjoying your youth!? That shit is true! Except I’d say START living in your youth and don’t wait until you’re dying really.
Then yesterday I’d seen the words ‘healthy is the new skinny’ or something like that and it just struck a chord in me. I want to throw out there that we will never, ever always agree with everyone we follow/admire on social media. I’m guilty of gettin’ hot headed, leaving and coming back later. I’ve done SO WELL with managing that over the last few months (yes, patting myself on the back) by realizing that we’re different and that’s cool. So I’m not MAD at anyone, when I’m passionate I apparently come across as mad. I’m not. Well, not at someone. I’m mad at the fact that we STILL think that we’ve got to be healthy to be valued. In America, over 26% of adults have mental illness. I’m one of them by the way. So immediately am I not to be valued (not even going on body image at this point) simply because of the mental health stigma? But wait! We talk about how we have to end the stigma?
Did you know that over 97% of America live an unhealthy lifestyle!?!?
But here we go with HEALTHY being the new skinny because we ALL know skinny is the end all, be all to happiness, right? <insert sarcasm here> This whole ‘healthy is the new skinny’ talk is STILL USING the skinny ‘desire’ for hits and STILL eliminating anyone with mental or physical health problems. How in the WORLD is that body positive!?!?! It’s not!
I have no issues with people with the mentality even. If you feel that way, cool. But it’s NOT BODY POSITIVE! That’s kind of what FatGirlFlow mentioned in her YouTube video discussing this very thing a week ago. So throwing it out into the body positive community, tagging body positive tags, pretending you’re a body positive ambassador/activist … I mean … it’s just not. Instead it’s quite opposite. You’re kind of worse than the trolls because you KNOW what a troll’s intentions are. Yours aren’t very clear. Typically it’s someone with their own hashtag/brand with a personal agenda. 😉
Being a ‘healthy fatty’ isn’t a rule to be “body positive” y’all. Don’t ever let this ‘healthy fatty’ mentality get you down. I want you to understand that not everyone CAN EVEN BE healthy (skinny or fat – I know, fuckin’ shocker!) A couple of years ago I started changing my life and living FOR ME, the way I wanted to. Like I was gonna do what I want, even if I looked what I thought was ridiculous doing it and was scared as fuck what others thought, I was gonna fuckin’ do it! Yes – EVEN when I’m out of fuckin’ breathe and when my body wanted to tell me I couldn’t – I was no longer afraid to tell people “I can’t anymore”. I no longer stayed home in fear of “What if I can’t keep the pace or what if my fibro flares up so bad I can’t walk/swim/sit/stand”!? I was gonna wear what I wanted WHEN and WHERE I wanted. And boy have I lived that one up (booty shorts and bralettes are MY LIFE NOW and I’m NOT givin’ a fuck if you wanna fat and/or slut shame me – fuckin’ bring it bitches!) I was gonna eat what I wanted where I wanted. Fuck! For my WHOLE LIFE I had HATED going out to eat because well, you know. Fat girl, gettin’ fatty food. Holy fuckin’ anxiety train! Guess what!?!? I legit eat in my bikini any damn where I please (because this is South Florida and bikinis are worn like jeans/tshirt here)! I want you to know HOW FUCKING LIBERATING it has been and how fucking happy it has made me – stares/whispers/laughs/hate/high fives and ALL! After 36 years I was FINALLY LIVING! I made this new lifestyle change commitment permanent on my 37th birthday when I had “My Life, My Way” tattooed on my arms to remind myself that it is MY LIFE and the ONLY thing that matters is that I’m happy. Because we choose the characters in our story y’all! We choose the storyline and the ending. It’s really all up to us.
If you’re interested I vlogged about this yesterday on my YouTube channel. As always, thanks for listening!!