Ten years ago I got a diagnosis that I had legit ZERO interest in hearing or comprehending. I became a robot and just did what I was told to do. It’s still all a blur and if it weren’t for the huge scar down my abdomen I’d honestly not even believe I lived through it.
I was diagnosed with Endometrial (sometimes called Uterine) Cancer. At 28 years old I was told I had a mass the size of a football inside of my uterus. Because babies grow in uteruses I just kind of figured it was a big ass organ (for the record boy was I wrong) and when I heard “football sized mass” I kind of minimized it. Thinking back and realizing how fucking close I was to being terminal – maybe it was for the best. I don’t know that with everything that was going on in my life at the moment that I could have grasped and dealt with the reality of what I faced.
I was fresh out of a tumultuous on/off again relationship. Actually, truth be known, we were dealing with court issues due to our violent nature towards each other. I had a pregnancy scare (ectopic pregnancy) which ultimately led to finding out that I had cancer.
I don’t talk about it much for fear of backlash because I don’t remember all of the specifics. I feel awkward even saying that but it’s the truth. Until this week (10 years later) I didn’t even realize how close I was to dying. Like at all. The realization came from a blogger sharing a pic on FB that showed what actual uteruses looked like and I saw HOW TINY it is.
Like do you all realize that I had a tumor that was easily 4 times the size nearly busting out of my uterus?!!?! I didn’t. Like I didn’t realize that and I LIVED IT!!
Luckily my uterus protected me. Dr Bernstein was so overjoyed telling me that the tumor somehow was contained in just my uterus. Still, I didn’t realize the importance or how life changing that really was. I mean I didn’t at ALL until this past week when I saw that picture. So many emotions and realities hit me so hard and today I am so fuckin’ grateful to even be able to write this post.
As far as children – calm your tits. Sooo many people feel sympathy (which is another reason I don’t like to talk about this) when they ask me “So when are you all having kids?”. I always politely just say “We’re not, we’re not into them.” … and we’re not. Both of us have never wanted kids (which we might as well wear a letter of shame on our chests for NOT WANTING kids by the looks on everyone’s faces when we assure them they’re not our cup of tea). We always have to get into conversations about how that will change when we get older (we’re in our mid – late 30s but everyone assumes we’re 25) until finally I just have to shut it down by explaining even further that I had cancer and can’t have them (cue sympathetic reactions). THEN we have to deal with said people explaining all of ‘our options’ when we’ve literally told them 10 times by now that it’s OK – WE DON’T WANT THEM. It’s honestly just too much to have to fuckin’ deal with.