What the fuck Kandi?
Unless knowing me on a personal level you’ve probably not heard me bitch and complain about how I constantly hurt. There’s a reason for that … I just really started talking about it.
Over 10 years ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Honestly when I first got the diagnosis I kind of shrugged it off. So many people think it’s such a bullshit illness that I convinced myself of the same. My dad still, right now as I’m typing this, will tell you it’s not real or that I don’t have it albeit I have a medical diagnosis – from, you know … an actual doctor. People think we’re hypochondriacs because they can’t SEE that there’s anything wrong with us. Hell, for years I’d wonder if the pain was in my head because I couldn’t comprehend HOW or WHY shit was hurting the way it was. No matter how much I tried to do ‘healthy’ shit I still hurt like a motherfucker. I still, after 8 years, will ask my husband when he’s rubbing out a knot if he can feel the knot because sometimes honestly I still second guess shit. However the pain is real, super fuckin’ real. Sometimes it’s so bad I can’t really get out of bed … but I’ll force myself because being sedentary certainly doesn’t help this illness y’all. Like at all. I might only be able to make a lap around my house, put a load of laundry in the washer/dryer or do a few dishes and then retreat back to rest until I can get up enough energy to do something else. Something that used to take me 15 minutes to do can easily take hours now … and it takes a toll on you mentally too, especially when you’re a perfectionist. It’s really easy to become hard on yourself and treat yourself like shit because you feel this obligation to be a certain way, right?
My fibro started getting really bad about three years ago I guess. The flare ups became more often and last much longer now. I honestly worry about how long I’ll still be able to do the things I love. I’m an adventurer at heart. I love to hit the beaches and the swamps and just wander around seeing different things. I love to travel. So I have been trying so hard to make sure I stay active so that I can do these things for as long as I can. I don’t want to lay in bed all of the time WISHING I’d have done shit that I want to do. Is it hard? Yes. Does my body hurt like crazy because I do it? Fuck yes. But do I feel accomplished!? More so than ever! I mean bitch … let’s lay down the facts. I’m a fat girl with a widespread pain chronic illness whom gets attacked, ridiculed and mocked on the internet every single day for what I look like. Which brings me back to why I didn’t talk about it.
I felt it was something else I could me made fun of about. Like “Ooooh here’s the typical new fat girl answer to WHY they’re fat!“. I’ve actually heard that. But here’s the thing. Even if I wasn’t fat, I’d have fibromyalgia. And I’m sure I’d be fat without the illness as well. So let’s just throw that out the fuckin’ window. Don’t let that thought keep you in shame like it did me. I’m no longer worried about what people think about me, my illness(es) or my body. What others think about me is none of my business.
Which, somehow, ties us into fashion. Yes … fashion. First of all being a fat girl with any sense of fashion that isn’t typical leggings, oversized Looney Tunes/Disney character shirt and 90s scrunchie is a struggle. (No shade to girls stuck in that phase because we’ve all been there. Fear will keep you in some fucked up lookin’ shit y’all). Going out of the ‘fat girl comfort zone’ by wearing something too revealing or oversized (might gasp make you look bigger!!!) is hard, I know. But so fuckin’ rewarding!
With fibro sometimes comes sensory issues. Like my senses are heightened. Sensory overload if you will. Have you ever had a sock get turned the wrong way on your foot and you lose your shit until you can fix it!? No!? Well you’re fuckin’ lucky then man. Because that shit is the worst. Try driving and some shit like that happen! I’ve literally had to pull over to fix it. Hence, why you don’t see me with socks on 99% of the time! Jeans do this to me tooooo! How many pair of jeans have you seen me in? Very, very few. Pants in general I’m not a fan of. This is all part of my fibro y’all. So I’m always on the hunt for shit that I feel I can look good in even when I’m feeling like absolute shit since (as I stated above) I kind of force myself to get up, out and about when I’m feeling deep in the fibro fuckery. I’ve been going sans “big titty poppin'” security blanket (push up, underwire torture devices) on the daily for about a year now I guess and it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done honestly. Actually my girls are perkier than ever considering they’re not just laying in molded cups, they’re actually having to use the muscle in the bralettes I live in. If you watch my YouTube videos I’ve been trying to keep y’all in the loop on where I get my clothing because you ask so much about it. I honestly just wear what I want to wear. I don’t worry about what’s right, what’s not. There is no such thing as the word ‘flattering’ in my vocabulary. I wear what FEELS good. I don’t worry about shame anymore. The only time I feel shame is IF I have a moment of worrying about what is deemed ‘appropriate’ or ‘flattering’ to others for a split second because it DOES happen from time to time. But then I remind myself that it’s all about living my life my way and I walk out of the house like a fatshionista boss bitch and get reminded by the 20842034829384 people asking about my clothing or telling me how fly my style is. In reality, I don’t believe it’s even what I’m wearing – it’s my zero fucks attitude that shows freedom.
Unfortunately a lot of shit I wear is from years past. When I post an outfit post on my Instagram I typically tag the brands in it. If there is something in particular you’re interested in I can always assist in finding something close because a girls got it like that. Also, I don’t TYPICALLY spend a lot of money on something UNLESS it’s something I’m IN LOVE with. I prefer to shop on the cheap because I’m always wanting new shit.
This whole post was first inspired by one of my biggest style inspirations, Alysse Dalessandro from Ready to Stare. I love her style, go follow her everywhere for funky, fresh, fly as fuck style. She’d posted a picture in a dress that made me wild y’all. And the next day she posted a freakin’ link to it!!! Guess what!? It was only $12.99 on Amazon so I grabbed the same one she had on (it comes in a variety of colors) and now I want to live in it. It actually came at a perfect time because my fibro has been keeping me down and out for the last few days. It’s sooo roomy! I’m a size 20 and went with Alysse and got the XXL. I can honestly say I could have easily gotten the XL and it would still fit just fine. If I recall Amazon actually recommended the XXL at a size 16 so it’s obviously supposed to be big and baggy! I adore it! Not only did it give me a reason to get up and take a picture BUT it’s so comfortable that it’s something I can throw on sans anything under (yes girl, I’m that girl – sorry, not sorry) and go out and take care of shit without having to worry about something fucking with my sensory issues if I’m having them that day. Totally ordering this in more colors! Thanks so much Alysse!
Around the same time another one of my style inspo’s, Danielle Vanier, had written up a post about her fashion and fibromyalgia. I understand her so much. Like you have all of this desire and all of these ideas but you literally can’t. And maybe a little tmi BUT with gastro issues (after my hysterectomy years ago ON TOP of the fibromyalgia gastro/abdominal problems it’s been next level) there are times you literally can’t leave the fuckin’ house.
So I felt it was so important to show you guys that no matter what you’re feeling (especially physically, not just mentally) that not only is it okay and you don’t need to validate why, it’s your body – but – you can look fly as fuck AND that will help make you FEEL better tooo! At least that’s how I’m choosing to look at this!
From here on out I’m going to start tagging my favorite, comfy outfits as #fibrofashion and if you have anything you feel the same way about feel free to tag it too (it’s not mine, there are already 30ish posts) so we can all get in on it! I love sharing things that I love and that make my life happy!
My favorite fibromyalgia resource: